We’re halfway through month one of 2018, gladly, I can say I have nothing to report. My mom and I have been arguing for about two weeks, but that’s a can of worms that nobody needs to hear about. Right?
I will say that one of the things said to me by her was that I need to get some serious help. That one hurt. That hurt a lot, especially because it came from the person I should feel the most close to and safe around.
To set it up, we were driving through downtown, we have to share a car at the moment so she needed to come to the radio station with me one night. There was a Wolves game so it was really crowded. Someone cut in front of us near a bus stop that always makes me anxious to be near because of news stories and I don’t particularly like the thought of someone possibly having a gun on them at the moment. She started to yell at the person who cut us off and I asked her to just be quiet while we were in all that traffic because I was anxious. She said I was overreacting and that I need serious help. Ouch. Huge dagger.
The problem I have is that I was at an event where a huge tragedy happened. People were running for their lives, making last phone calls to their loved ones, screaming. Being shot. Did she forget that 58 people died? I feel as though it’s expected that we move on by now. It was only three and a half months ago!
PTSD is real. And it’s a bitch.
I still shut my eyes and hear/see everything from those 14 ish minutes. I can’t stand the thought of hearing bubble wrap. I go through every day waiting to be scared, waiting for something to send me into a dark place to where I don’t want to leave my bed. It’s exhausting for those of us who have been through something like that to go about our days as though it never happened. Please don’t expect something like this to go away. It doesn’t. We heal and we keep going. We do whatever we can to try and find joy in our lives or to try and figure out the reason we survived. We keep on surviving. Healing means that we’ve got the courage to keep doing things that make us happy and not let the fear take over our lives.
I titled this “2018” because, well, that’s what it is. A new year! What do I want out of this year? Considering how ridiculous 2017 was, the answer is simple. Not much. I do want to pay it forward. I saw an amazing example of kindness and love that horrible night and I think that we could all be more kind to one another. I don’t have the money to donate to causes but I do love to just talk to people and try to put even the smallest smile on their face. In a way, that’s paying it forward. That’s what I want out of the year, more kindness. Kindness from myself and this sometimes effed up world we live in.
Volunteering is on my list, but it can’t be with animals. I don’t have enough tears left, norm will my dog be happy when I show up with 30 new dogs a night. But something. I will volunteer this year.
I also turn 30. Nashville, I shall see you in June. No long-winded explanation needed!
There’s more to come out of this year and I promise (semi-promise) to check back in once in a while. If you actually read this whole thing, thank you. Happy New Year!
