The Scale Is Just A Number

I haven't stepped on a scale since I moved back home from Montana.. Nearly one year ago! I hate it, it means nothing to me, It doesn't know that I go to the gym and push myself 6 days a week, two hours a day. It doesn't know and it doesn't care. That being said, I had been feeling like I would see results and two GUYS, one of them being my trainer mentioned that I looked smaller... "way smaller." So, I did it. I went into the bathroom at the gym yesterday and stepped on. The number on that scale went against any compliment anyone has given me about looking in better shape. It ruined my mood, my workout and confidence for the day. Stepping on the scale and seeing that number didn't make me think "Oh, maybe it's the scale, I don't know how to use this one." It made me mad. I've been pinching every penny to eat right and pay for good workouts and the support of an amazing trainer/friend and I've got nothing to show. We all know that's a load of shit. Me feeling fat the rest of the day and being on the verge of tears was for no reason. Yes, it's normal, I should feel disappointed, but that's crap. Hell, on Monday, we had a reps challenge and I was intimidated by the fit girls by my side and i was the first one done. I wanted to puke, but I did it. so, screw the scale. I emailed Kirk (trainer) and told him how upset I was and he reminded me that we switched up my workouts to lifting more, so I've definitely got more muscle than fat mass and that's where the scale doesn't know. and he said I was looking "way way smaller." It's really hard not to let the scale get to me, but that's why I lean on the trainer and everybody at my gym. we push each other and motivate each other. Anybody who finds themselves in a life long battle with that thing needs to pay more attention to themselves, what they're doing, how they're eating, how are the clothes fitting. HOW DO YOU FEEL? That's what's important. screw the numbers!

5K Playlist

I'd been wanting to run the Twin Cities In Motion's Red, Whitw and boom 5k for a few years, so today, I did! It was a beautiful course and a fun environment, can't wait until next year! I had said when I registered that I wanted to do it in 35 Minutes or less and I was pretty confident that with the interval training I've been doing, I'd be able to easily meet that goal. Did I?

Hope. Missed it by 4-ish minutes. Dang it! I'm happy with it considering how crummy I was feeling this morning, and one thing I told my trainer was that it was nice not being one of the last ones to finish; normally I'm in the very back of the group. I'll take that as a victory in my book! Before you tell or roll you eyes, there's nothing wrong with being in the back of the pack, you're there, you're being active and you should be proud of that! One of my favorite parts of these organized runs is getting to make a playlist. I make a different one each time I go out, a lot of the songs are the same, but I'm tricking my mind by throwing a few new ones in there.... Or something like that! I do, however, have two songs that MUST be on every one: Jason Aldean (obviously)- Night Train. If you follow me on any form of social media, you know that this is my 1 song I could listen to for the rest of my life and be perfectly happy if I never heard any other song again. Something about it brings me back to earth whenever I'm in a stressed out moment or just need to stop and breathe. We all have something that does that for us, this does it for me. It's always placed in the middle of a run. And the other? Life House (yes)- Hanging By A Moment. Whenever I say this to people, they laugh. Maybe it's a personal connection to the song, a memory that it brings back, something about screaming along to this song is extremely helpful to me in any given moment. I'll never not listen to this song. As for the rest of the playlist, check it out and enjoy :).

Just A Thought

I've never thought of myself as an inspiration, in fact, I never know how to respond when someone says that I've inspired them. It brings tears to my eyes, the good kind, and I always only say "thank you," and move about the conversation. 

Tonight, I got a message from someone who use to come see me at my first Caribou store. She knew me when I was just an intern at a radio station, she knew me when I was 356 lbs, haven't seen her in years!

Why am I sharing this? Why not!? 

No, seriously, I don't think we ever know the impact of the nice things we say or do for eachother. 

Last night was another one of the nights where I faked a smile as I went through my shift of slinging lattes. I kept excusing myself from the counter so I could go in the back and give myself a pep talk and remind myself that this is a job and not a career. (Thanks to my friend, Bev, for pointing that out last week.)

My point is, that message was exactly what I wanted to hear. Exactly what I needed to hear. In a sense, it lifted a little weight off my shoulders and I don't know why. 

When you guys say that I've motivated or inspired you, you truly are doing just the same for me. Those sweet words keep me pushing for those extra pounds towards my goal and towards sending in yet another demo to a radio station. Thank you for that!

I think that sometimes, we hold in a compliment from someone because we think they won't care if we like their necklace or if we thought their joke was funny. But the truth is, we all need to hear good things about ourselves, don't we all deserve to? 

Don't hold back the next nice thing you want to say to someone, they may be having a terrible time and you could be exactly what they need. Even if you've never even met that person before.  

356 Will Not Be My Number

A question I've been getting a lot over the past two years is "what made you start to change your ways and want to get healthy?" 

The left is me at my largest, 5 years ago!

It's funny, I actually remember the very moment when I decided that I wasn't going to live my life eating out of a bucket of ice cream alone on the couch on a Saturday night any more.

I was 24 and doing just that. I was sitting on my moms couch watching Saturday Night Live with her and she could barely walk to go to bed. 

I was watching her struggle as I was eating my bucket (yes, I'm talking bucket of Kemps strawberry swirl ice cream,) and I was disgusted by myself. Why was I doing that? 

I had absolutely no reason to be eating all of that, and I did it multiple times a week, so why? No idea. But I decided that if I kept going like that, I was well on my way to not being able to walk up to my bed without needing a break. 

That Monday at work, I received an email asking if I was interested in a gym membership to a new group fitness facility in Minneapolis. Now, I'm not a big "sign from God" kind of person, but come on!

I, like all of us who are starting this journey, cancelled my first visit with Jake, the owner of Kosama in Minneapolis. But I went the next day, terrified. 

I will never forget how I felt during that first workout. I was doing push ups standing up against a wall, I puked in the car on my way home, it was terrifying! 

I got home that day and threw out all my ice cream and started researching what I should be eating and how, the rest is history. 

Here I am, down just over 130lbs and a completely new person all because I decided I was no longer wanting to feel like I did on the couch that night! 

We can all go on and on about how we don't have time or how we just don't like to workout and we like to eat bread and chocolate, but the thing is, I promise you, once you actually decide "this is it. I want to change my life. I don't want to feel this way anymore." Those excuses go out the window. 

If you still have excuses, you're not 100% ready to take it on and if you're not ready, you'll get discouraged by excuses or even the smallest budge of the scale. I know. 

I hope this answered the question, it makes sense in my twisty mind, but if it doesn't answer it, please ask. 

Have you had "the moment?" What was it? 

 

And before I go off on another job searching adventure, thanks to everyone for all the love for my first post. Like I said, it's a work in progress and that's okay. 

Next post? Maybe a Bachelor reaction and after that, what keeps me motivated!