One Year Later

On this day one year ago, I was in Las Vegas with my two best girls waiting to see the best entertainer, it was their first time seeing Jason Aldean. I'd lost count of how many times I'd seen him. My favorite. 

I had charged my phone just enough to maybe get a few pictures of his set, left my friends behind and went to join the crowd. He started with "They don't know," and I texted Leah and Samantha that I was up in front of out section by the bleachers. A few songs later, I felt someone touch my shoulder, the right one. Leah had come to join me. Another few seconds later, I heard something and asked the person next to me "who would be shooting off firecrackers at a place like this?" I turned to look at Leah, she was walking against the fence to try and see what happened... Then Aldean stopped singing and everything went dark. Leah said we had to go. 

The next 15 minutes felt like days, we couldn't find Samantha, we didn't know where to run, people were falling around us, there was blood. It was a real life nightmare. We got to safety and by some miracle, Samantha got to us. We hid at Desert Rose for hours waiting to get the clear to leave and catch our flight home. I remember texting so many people, "I'm safe and I love you" before my phone officially died. 

The time after that night has not been easy be any means. I still dream about it a few times a week, I'm jumpy, shaky and am more panic ridden than I ever had been prior to that night. I was once fearless at shows and public events, but now, I find it more exhausting than exhilarating. Probably the most embarrassing moment of panic I had was with my boyfriend at the time and we had left a concert early. Just before the fireworks, he was at a food stand ordering a gyro and the fireworks started to go off. I jumped and started to run towards him as if I wanted to save him and push him into safety. He hadn't really witnessed me that way before and I kept telling myself to breathe and calm down but it wasn't until he made me look at the fireworks that I was okay again. That happened very recently, so it's proof that the fear and panic will creep up when least expected and that that fear will never fully go away.

The year has not been easy. At all. And I would say that this last month has been the almost just as bad as it was in the days following the tragedy. This is because I’m back to feeling alone (I know that I’m not alone) and unsafe. For the last 5 months, I was with someone who made me feel safe and Free again. That relationship ended in early September. That’s all I will say about that because I really care about him and have honest feelings for him that I’m also trying to process. But now I’m back wondering where my safe place is. Where do I go when I get scared and have those nightmares?

A constant wonder I've had in these last 365 days is still "why not me?" Why did I survive and a father with two young kids or a nursing student died. Moms, Dads, husbands and wives. They were all somebodies someone. Why did I get out without a physical scratch and they did not? I ask that question every single day and I think it's something that I'll wonder for the rest of my life.

I’ve also noticed major changes in myself and life since that night. I’m truing really hard not to stress out about minor things anymore. For example, I was in line behind a guy at target who was yelling at the cashier because they ran out of paper bags. Why does that stuff matter so much? It doesn’t. I’ve also learned who is really there for me and who really matters in my life. A lot of people reached out after the event but few actually did something about it and got me up and out of bed. Those are the people who matter. I’m a lover and I just want everyone to always be happy and feel love but I have definitely learned who feels that same way towards me.

I didn’t make the trip to Las Vegas for the reunion and I’m so regretful, I don’t really have a reason for not going either. I’m so proud of all the survivors who are there right now, helping each other heal and remembering the 58 angels.

I’ve met a lot of really strong and amazing people this last year who know and understand what hat night was like and I call them family. I never had brothers or sisters, but now I do. They live all over Minnesota but we find ways to meet up at shows and we message each other when we’re not feeling strong and it helps. It really helps. Jessie, Phil, Dru, Steven, Taylor, Jordan, Kayla, Dawn, crystal, Danny, Melissa H, Corinna, Jenna, Kate, Stacey, Janet and Ginger, all the survivors, really.  I truly have a special spot in my heart for you guys. And Samantha and Leah, I couldn’t get through life without your friendship.

I’ve spent a lot of this past week celebrating the good memories. Because like I said, it was 14-15 bad Minutes and hundreds of good ones. How determined I was to rally with the girls on Saturday even though I was pretty sure I should have spent the day in bed with a bucket. That makes me smile. Or telling Maren Morris how bad ass she is. Or waking up and asking if us three could go buy sunglasses together. And Danny sneaking some type of alcohol in a sunscreen tube. Genius. I love those memories so much. And I look at those pictures every day, I will always do that.

2018

We’re halfway through month one of 2018, gladly, I can say I have nothing to report. My mom and I have been arguing for about two weeks, but that’s a can of worms that nobody needs to hear about. Right?

I will say that one of the things said to me by her was that I need to get some serious help. That one hurt. That hurt a lot, especially because it came from the person I should feel the most close to and safe around.

To set it up, we were driving through downtown, we have to share a car at the moment so she needed to come to the radio station with me one night. There was a Wolves game so it was really crowded. Someone cut in front of us near a bus stop that always makes me anxious to be near because of news stories and I don’t particularly like the thought of someone possibly having a gun on them at the moment. She started to yell at the person who cut us off and I asked her to just be quiet while we were in all that traffic because I was anxious. She said I was overreacting and that I need serious help.  Ouch. Huge dagger.

The problem I have is that I was at an event where a huge tragedy happened. People were running for their lives, making last phone calls to their loved ones, screaming. Being shot. Did she forget that 58 people died? I feel as though it’s expected that we move on by now. It was only three and a half months ago!

PTSD is real. And it’s a bitch.

I still shut my eyes and hear/see everything from those 14 ish minutes. I can’t stand the thought of hearing bubble wrap. I go through every day waiting to be scared, waiting for something to send me into a dark place to where I don’t want to leave my bed. It’s exhausting for those of us who have been through something like that to go about our days as though it never happened. Please don’t expect something like this to go away. It doesn’t. We heal and we keep going. We do whatever we can to try and find joy in our lives or to try and figure out the reason we survived. We keep on surviving. Healing means that we’ve got the courage to keep doing things that make us happy and not let the fear take over our lives.

I titled this “2018” because, well, that’s what it is. A new year! What do I want out of this year? Considering how ridiculous 2017 was, the answer is simple. Not much. I do want to pay it forward. I saw an amazing example of kindness and love that horrible night and I think that we could all be more kind to one another. I don’t have the money to donate to causes but I do love to just talk to people and try to put even the smallest smile on their face. In a way, that’s paying it forward. That’s what I want out of the year, more kindness. Kindness from myself and this sometimes effed up world we live in.

Volunteering is on my list, but it can’t be with animals. I don’t have enough tears left, norm will my dog be happy when I show up with 30 new dogs a night. But something. I will volunteer this year.


I also turn 30. Nashville, I shall see you in June. No long-winded explanation needed!

There’s more to come out of this year and I promise (semi-promise) to check back in once in a while. If you actually read this whole thing, thank you. Happy New Year!

One Month.

Four weeks and two days. That's how long ago the calendar says it's been since a monster took the lives of 58 beautiful people at a concert and injured more than that. Four weeks, two days.

Some days it feels longer than that and most days, it feels like I'm still hiding at desert rose. I think that to understand how we're all feeling, you had to be there but I would never in a million years wish that terror on anyone. Nobody should have to see or feel that. Ever.

So, how has it been going for me? I'm tired. When I say I'm tired, it's not because I didn't get enough sleep, it's that I can't sleep. I wake up constantly through the night to make sure I'm home, to make sure my dog is still next to me or simply just to think about that night. I can't sleep.

Before this happened, I was really sensitive to sounds, they annoyed me. Now, they scare me. The other day at work, a girl was making a constant clicking noise and because she knows that use to annoy me, she didn't take me seriously when I said the noise was scaring me. So for the rest of the night, all I thought about was the clicking, the gun shots. I heard them for hours in my mind. I use to be really curious whenever I see or hear a siren, now I cover my ears and take cover. People probably think I'm nuts and that also makes me cry because most will never understand or know what this feels like. And again, I never want them to.

I can't focus or remember anything, everything feels numb. People think I've lost it. Yes, someone even said that to me, actually, multiple people have. I never feel like I know what day it is anymore, I can't remember what I did just yesterday, everything feels blurry except that night.

I feel like some people just expect us all to move on and go back to normal after a month has passed, they expect me to be my happy, bubbly self again and that's just not the case. I know that. I know that it will take a lot of time and that years from now, I may still have fears and feeling at certain points.. But, do they know that? I'm not sure. USA Today posted a really good article about PTSD and the coping process. It was a good read for me to understand that I am normal and to realize that I do have a long road ahead when it comes to healing or coping. It will not happen over night, please understand that.

Some days are tougher than others. I'm writing this on the second straight bad day, on the verge of tears and throwing up. I'm just waiting for something to trigger both and then maybe I'll feel better for the day and tomorrow's a new day, right?

What's helped? Music. Jason Aldean released his SNL performance of "I Won't Back Down," and I've listened to is every single day. Every Day. It reminds me to be brave and not let that monster win. I've gone to two concerts, for both, the scariest part was walking around before or after the show. Thomas Rhett is playing on November 29th and I'm so looking forward to it. I will not let anything take away my love for live country, I said that when it happened and I say it again today.

Also, typing this has helped. I think it's good to see my feelings and if you stuck around long enough to read this whole thing, thank you.

Survivors Guilt

Not even a week ago, I was at a music festival, people were dancing, singing and just having a great time enjoying life. I had been looking forward to the weekend for months, some of my favorite country artists and more importantly, time with two of my closest friends. It was set up to be one of the best weekends of my life. Jason Aldean had just started the show, 5 or 6 songs in, then he went into "When She Says Baby," and some guy who doesn't even deserve a name decided to take that away from myself and 22,000 other innocent, beautiful people.

The big question I keep getting is "how are you doing?"

I'm here. Physically, I'm here, but I'm struggling. When I'm with people I know and love, I'm okay but it seems to all fall apart when I'm in my car heading to my next destination not knowing what or who will be there or what will happen.

My biggest thing right now is that I feel guilty.. So guilty. I feel guilty that I knew my friends were tired and ready for the night to end but they stayed so that I could see Jason Aldean again. They had to experience that horror because of me. I feel guilty that my friend had to hear his wife crying on the phone as gun shots could be heard. I feel guilty that Sam had been separated from us and for a few of the longest minutes of my life, we didn't know where she was and she was running for her life alone. Could I have stayed in there and try to help get people out of there or put pressure on someones wound? Could I have done something so that one less person died? I feel guilty that I made it and I got to come home.

I can't get the sound of Leah's voice telling me to take her hand out of my head. Her telling me that we have to keep running as I stood there in a state of shock probably woke me up and saved my life. The screams won't go away. And, most of all, I can't forget the sound of the shots being fired. My windshield wiper was broken and the rubber was hitting the window, the sound of that was putting me into a state of shock and panic so, being in my car for the couple of days until I could get a new one was making me ill. I hear nothing when I'm alone but gun shots.

I can't get the image of people being shot all around us as we ran out of my head, or the image of a girl laying on the ground who had been shot in the stomach, why her and not me?

I'll never forget the look I saw on Sam's face when we were reunited at that time share where we sat for hours in disbelief. For 10 minutes, I thought I had lost one of the greatest people I've ever met.


I haven't watched much of the news on purpose, I already hear the screams and the gun shots in my mind, I don't need to hear more of them. I don't need the images of that "man" or his hotel room imprinted in my mind, I don't need any of that. What I need is music, my friends and my dog.

People keep suggesting that I talk to someone. I am thinking about it, but for now, I'm trying to process it on my own. There is a support group on Facebook filled with all the people sharing their stories and their struggles, I did join that today and plan to check in on it daily. I'm not one who likes to talk through my feelings, I like to put my earbuds in and get lost in a song or two. I find joy in walking my dog and working out. so, for now, I'm going to try and process this slowly and on my own. I wish that I could wake up every day and hug Leah and Sam. Girls, please just know that I love you..

Concerts- you bet your ass that I will continue to go to them, festivals, too. Country music is my heart and it always will be. I will always go out and celebrate it with my friends and make new friends. No one can take that from me.

Thank Yous- I've never experienced so much love. While this is the worst experience, and I will never feel completely at peace, all of you who have reached out to me have helped me.

I'm ending with this. Eric Church wrote this song about the events, he described us as his people and he sang it at the opry.

Living With Someone Who's Not So Healthy

This post is doing exactly what I hoped to do way back when I started this thing, answer questions! For the last three years, MANY people have asked how I maintain the healthy eating when I live with someone who is the complete opposite, my mom. The answer is quite simple, actually. We have to have separate cupboards and sections in the fridge or freezer. If I see the snack cakes or the ice cream, I'm going to want it. "But Katie, isn't that hard?" Absolutely. I think the hardest part is grocery shopping. Since I'm living there rent free, I do all the shopping. If it were up to me, I would buy fruits, veggies and protein. Nothing else. I wouldn't look at cookies, ice cream, bread or anything else fun. But I do then I'm more tempted to buy something bad for myself and, I hope this doesn't hurt her feelings, but I get embarrassed sometimes when I run into people who know me or even at the checkout lanes because I've got my healthy stuff and her bad stuff. I feel like some stuck up snob in front of me is judging me by the cookies I put on the belt and automatically assuming that they're for me. Wrong. The other hard part, which isn't even me being worried anymore, it's me being annoyed, is that she's had a lot of health issues but she doesn't want to change. Not even after watching me go through this physical and mental transformation. It's upsetting that she just seems to have given up but the more I push her, the more insulted she feels. So I give up. I do always use ground turkey or grass fed beef on occasion when I make dinner for both of us and I don't eat whatever she's having on the side. I eat veggies instead of french fries, A salad with greens instead of mac & cheese and so on. I make my healthy swaps, yes, it is more work, but worth it for me. She eats ice cream.. That is by far the biggest challenge for me, if you read my first or second blog, you know that I'm fully capable of eating a gallon or two of the good stuff. So, I leave and walk the dog when she pulls that out of the freezer. I keep Angies Boom Chicka Pop and frozen berries close if I need something or on a rare occasion, a greek yogurt. When you decide to take control of your health, there are always going to be people who question you, make fun of how much you post about it and try and tempt you, but be stronger than them in every single way! It's going to be hard and annoying, but always remember how you felt before starting, keep a picture close, have a goal and look at it every day. Then, those people won't matter and it'll go in one ear and out the other. As far as them making fun of you for posting on facebook, twitter and insta. They don't have to follow you, if they don't like it, there's a button they can click, right!? Hope that answers that question for you! I end with this amazing salad that I had last weekend in Stillwater, checkout the Dock Cafe if you're ever there. It's right on the river and delicious! This salad had apples, pecans, butternut squash and more tossed in an apple vinaigrette. YUM!

Short and Sweet- My Class Reunion

The night before my 10 year class reunion, I was having nightmares that nobody I was excited to see showed up, only people I didn't like very much or had no interest in catching up with. The fake ones, the ones who were my friend up until graduation day and then that was it. But guess what. It was amazing! I felt so good walking into the room, loved my outfit, I had a smile on my face, took a deep breath, said "okay," and went down the last step. Instantly got hugs from former classmates. Between the hugging and looking over to see Tiffany, one of my closest friends throughout high school running over to me, I knew I was in for a great night. A lot of my night was spent hanging around with my normal group that I had back in the day and that was amazing, the last time I saw them was when Dan and Lacey got married.. That was a while ago, by the way! I loved dancing the night away with them, I left with a smile on my face because of moments like that. I also absolutely loved walking around and talking with people whom I rarely connected with in school, it was after graduation that we were Facebook friends. When I wasn't dancing, that's what i was doing and I loved it. I didn't want the night to end, but it did and I was back in Albertville by midnight. I've been talking about it and telling my friends about it all week and explaining to them how happy I am that I went, I'm so happy I danced, caught up, played in the photo booth and even met new friends. It was my favorite night that I've had in a while and I mean that. Like I said, short and sweet post tonight, but don't worry because I also learned that night that you guys actually enjoy reading this thing and I NEED to get better at this! That being said, I've got two more that I'm working on as you read this. Thank for you reading my random thoughts and terrible at times writing, I like to write how I speak, I think that makes it even more real than it actually is. Oh! here are a couple of pictures from that great night, Osseo, let's not make it another decade!

Osseo Kicks 2006!

If you had asked me 3 months ago if I'd be attending my 10 year (HOW!?) High School reunion, chances are I would have said "no". No, I didn't really have a bad experience in school, most of that happened in Jr. High. I had two guys pretend to have a crush on me because it's funny to play a joke on the fat girl, and I had one REALLY mean girl named Kenosha, she went on to another school not even in by district and I'm not even sure she graduated. As for the mean boys, I remember one of them saying "who would want to wake up in the morning next to Katie Toupal?" Yeah. That hurt. No wonder I lack confidence in the dating department. One of them went on to Park Center, and the other left me alone, even when we had a class together. Back to my original point, I'm rambling. I would have said no just because I was extremely embarrassed by where my life was heading. I was unemployed pretty much, just serving lattes, living at home and extremely single; I got the invite a week after being fired! Well, one of those has changed and I'm damn proud and excited to talk about where I'm working. I've dreamt of working at this station since it launched. And I went through absolute hell to get here. But I did it! I'm still living at home, yes. That'll change with time and it's not like I want to, I have no financial choice. And my dating life? Well.. yeah. Single.. Perpetually and hopelessly devoted to a guy who could care less of my existence.. But that's okay, I'm independent and dating is absolutely exhausting, the right guy will come when we're both ready... Or some cheesy thing like that. A friend asked if I was bringing anyone, nope.. I got one ticket. "But Katie, who are you going to hang out with?" One thing I've always been proud of myself for is how I handle a social situation. Sometime back in 8th grade, I snapped and decided I wasn't going to be shy anymore. Awkward? Absolutely! But quiet? no. I had my go-to friends in high school and I'm so excited to see them and visit with them and their spouses but i also know that I'll be okay mingling and chatting with people whom maybe I never spoke to in school. It'll be fun! Here's A throwback Pic for ya! Another reason I can't wait is because I am NOT that girl anymore! That girl was eating fast food and sitting on the couch with ice cream every night and was left out on the field for mile run day! I'm proud of that. call me arrogant, that's fine. But I earned the right to be happy and proud of myself, right!? The big night is Saturday (post-Luke Bryan hangover will be in full effect!) Check back here for how an update sometime next week!