One Month.

Four weeks and two days. That's how long ago the calendar says it's been since a monster took the lives of 58 beautiful people at a concert and injured more than that. Four weeks, two days.

Some days it feels longer than that and most days, it feels like I'm still hiding at desert rose. I think that to understand how we're all feeling, you had to be there but I would never in a million years wish that terror on anyone. Nobody should have to see or feel that. Ever.

So, how has it been going for me? I'm tired. When I say I'm tired, it's not because I didn't get enough sleep, it's that I can't sleep. I wake up constantly through the night to make sure I'm home, to make sure my dog is still next to me or simply just to think about that night. I can't sleep.

Before this happened, I was really sensitive to sounds, they annoyed me. Now, they scare me. The other day at work, a girl was making a constant clicking noise and because she knows that use to annoy me, she didn't take me seriously when I said the noise was scaring me. So for the rest of the night, all I thought about was the clicking, the gun shots. I heard them for hours in my mind. I use to be really curious whenever I see or hear a siren, now I cover my ears and take cover. People probably think I'm nuts and that also makes me cry because most will never understand or know what this feels like. And again, I never want them to.

I can't focus or remember anything, everything feels numb. People think I've lost it. Yes, someone even said that to me, actually, multiple people have. I never feel like I know what day it is anymore, I can't remember what I did just yesterday, everything feels blurry except that night.

I feel like some people just expect us all to move on and go back to normal after a month has passed, they expect me to be my happy, bubbly self again and that's just not the case. I know that. I know that it will take a lot of time and that years from now, I may still have fears and feeling at certain points.. But, do they know that? I'm not sure. USA Today posted a really good article about PTSD and the coping process. It was a good read for me to understand that I am normal and to realize that I do have a long road ahead when it comes to healing or coping. It will not happen over night, please understand that.

Some days are tougher than others. I'm writing this on the second straight bad day, on the verge of tears and throwing up. I'm just waiting for something to trigger both and then maybe I'll feel better for the day and tomorrow's a new day, right?

What's helped? Music. Jason Aldean released his SNL performance of "I Won't Back Down," and I've listened to is every single day. Every Day. It reminds me to be brave and not let that monster win. I've gone to two concerts, for both, the scariest part was walking around before or after the show. Thomas Rhett is playing on November 29th and I'm so looking forward to it. I will not let anything take away my love for live country, I said that when it happened and I say it again today.

Also, typing this has helped. I think it's good to see my feelings and if you stuck around long enough to read this whole thing, thank you.

Survivors Guilt

Not even a week ago, I was at a music festival, people were dancing, singing and just having a great time enjoying life. I had been looking forward to the weekend for months, some of my favorite country artists and more importantly, time with two of my closest friends. It was set up to be one of the best weekends of my life. Jason Aldean had just started the show, 5 or 6 songs in, then he went into "When She Says Baby," and some guy who doesn't even deserve a name decided to take that away from myself and 22,000 other innocent, beautiful people.

The big question I keep getting is "how are you doing?"

I'm here. Physically, I'm here, but I'm struggling. When I'm with people I know and love, I'm okay but it seems to all fall apart when I'm in my car heading to my next destination not knowing what or who will be there or what will happen.

My biggest thing right now is that I feel guilty.. So guilty. I feel guilty that I knew my friends were tired and ready for the night to end but they stayed so that I could see Jason Aldean again. They had to experience that horror because of me. I feel guilty that my friend had to hear his wife crying on the phone as gun shots could be heard. I feel guilty that Sam had been separated from us and for a few of the longest minutes of my life, we didn't know where she was and she was running for her life alone. Could I have stayed in there and try to help get people out of there or put pressure on someones wound? Could I have done something so that one less person died? I feel guilty that I made it and I got to come home.

I can't get the sound of Leah's voice telling me to take her hand out of my head. Her telling me that we have to keep running as I stood there in a state of shock probably woke me up and saved my life. The screams won't go away. And, most of all, I can't forget the sound of the shots being fired. My windshield wiper was broken and the rubber was hitting the window, the sound of that was putting me into a state of shock and panic so, being in my car for the couple of days until I could get a new one was making me ill. I hear nothing when I'm alone but gun shots.

I can't get the image of people being shot all around us as we ran out of my head, or the image of a girl laying on the ground who had been shot in the stomach, why her and not me?

I'll never forget the look I saw on Sam's face when we were reunited at that time share where we sat for hours in disbelief. For 10 minutes, I thought I had lost one of the greatest people I've ever met.


I haven't watched much of the news on purpose, I already hear the screams and the gun shots in my mind, I don't need to hear more of them. I don't need the images of that "man" or his hotel room imprinted in my mind, I don't need any of that. What I need is music, my friends and my dog.

People keep suggesting that I talk to someone. I am thinking about it, but for now, I'm trying to process it on my own. There is a support group on Facebook filled with all the people sharing their stories and their struggles, I did join that today and plan to check in on it daily. I'm not one who likes to talk through my feelings, I like to put my earbuds in and get lost in a song or two. I find joy in walking my dog and working out. so, for now, I'm going to try and process this slowly and on my own. I wish that I could wake up every day and hug Leah and Sam. Girls, please just know that I love you..

Concerts- you bet your ass that I will continue to go to them, festivals, too. Country music is my heart and it always will be. I will always go out and celebrate it with my friends and make new friends. No one can take that from me.

Thank Yous- I've never experienced so much love. While this is the worst experience, and I will never feel completely at peace, all of you who have reached out to me have helped me.

I'm ending with this. Eric Church wrote this song about the events, he described us as his people and he sang it at the opry.