Four weeks and two days. That's how long ago the calendar says it's been since a monster took the lives of 58 beautiful people at a concert and injured more than that. Four weeks, two days.
Some days it feels longer than that and most days, it feels like I'm still hiding at desert rose. I think that to understand how we're all feeling, you had to be there but I would never in a million years wish that terror on anyone. Nobody should have to see or feel that. Ever.
So, how has it been going for me? I'm tired. When I say I'm tired, it's not because I didn't get enough sleep, it's that I can't sleep. I wake up constantly through the night to make sure I'm home, to make sure my dog is still next to me or simply just to think about that night. I can't sleep.
Before this happened, I was really sensitive to sounds, they annoyed me. Now, they scare me. The other day at work, a girl was making a constant clicking noise and because she knows that use to annoy me, she didn't take me seriously when I said the noise was scaring me. So for the rest of the night, all I thought about was the clicking, the gun shots. I heard them for hours in my mind. I use to be really curious whenever I see or hear a siren, now I cover my ears and take cover. People probably think I'm nuts and that also makes me cry because most will never understand or know what this feels like. And again, I never want them to.
I can't focus or remember anything, everything feels numb. People think I've lost it. Yes, someone even said that to me, actually, multiple people have. I never feel like I know what day it is anymore, I can't remember what I did just yesterday, everything feels blurry except that night.
I feel like some people just expect us all to move on and go back to normal after a month has passed, they expect me to be my happy, bubbly self again and that's just not the case. I know that. I know that it will take a lot of time and that years from now, I may still have fears and feeling at certain points.. But, do they know that? I'm not sure. USA Today posted a really good article about PTSD and the coping process. It was a good read for me to understand that I am normal and to realize that I do have a long road ahead when it comes to healing or coping. It will not happen over night, please understand that.
Some days are tougher than others. I'm writing this on the second straight bad day, on the verge of tears and throwing up. I'm just waiting for something to trigger both and then maybe I'll feel better for the day and tomorrow's a new day, right?
What's helped? Music. Jason Aldean released his SNL performance of "I Won't Back Down," and I've listened to is every single day. Every Day. It reminds me to be brave and not let that monster win. I've gone to two concerts, for both, the scariest part was walking around before or after the show. Thomas Rhett is playing on November 29th and I'm so looking forward to it. I will not let anything take away my love for live country, I said that when it happened and I say it again today.
Also, typing this has helped. I think it's good to see my feelings and if you stuck around long enough to read this whole thing, thank you.
💕
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