Why?

I've spent the day watching the news trying to come up with words to describe how I'm feeling for the victims in the latest attacks in Orlando and I could only come up with one. "Why?" One, a up and coming singer who was just signing autographs for her fans. She was killed. Why? And not too long after, a different "man" opened fire on a gay nightclub killing 50 people and injuring even more. Why? Why can't we all accept that people come in every way, shape and form? Why does it matter our race, religion and who we love? None of these things should ever cause so much hated and give anyone reason to kill innocent people. It's because of these senseless people that we live in this great country, yet we have to be afraid. We have to be afraid to send our kids to school, we have to be afraid to be in a crowded and public place now because there are some awful people in this world. Just tonight, I was at the laundromat and a woman sped up, she parked sideways and left her car running. That caused me to get nervous and run out only because I've been watching the news and seeing horrific events unfold. Is that the way they want it? And by saying "they," I'm not calling out race, religion or sex. I'm saying "they" as in anybody who would to such a terrible and unthinkable thing! Do that want is to live in fear? Does it make them feel like they've won? If they too don't lose their lives while doing these things, do they go home with a smile on their faces? Why is it so hard to be kind and respectful? To be a good human being? It's not hard. It's hard to understand hot anybody could be so hateful, so angry. And I'm tired of the excuses we hear. "It's a mental health thing," "he saw two men kissing and it set him off," "he didn't like the professors." Whatever these excuses are, there is never a good reason to harm another. It's never okay. It's not okay that these mothers on the news tonight lost their sons or daughters who just went out to enjoy life and celebrate on a Saturday night. It's not okay that people lost their significant others, their best friends. I had to get it off my chest, I tried talking it out with someone earlier and nothing came out other than "why?"

"F*** Being Single."

A few times a month, I have conversations about being single and how much it sucks with one of my best friends. Tonight, she said something to me that really made me sad. It was along the lines of her being worried that someone's not into her and thinking she's not worthy. This is what I said back: "You're amazing. Never think you're not worthy. Anyone who has crossed paths with you is lucky. Remember that :)" No one should EVER make her or anyone else feel unworthy of love and a relationship. Never. We all deserve to feel wanted and important to someone. I've got this one person in my life who has done a very good job in making me feel unworthy, even of his friendship at times. Once it came out that I had feelings for him and it was out in the open, I became an option and not a priority. That is never okay. It has taken me years to see that being ignored by someone whom I call a best friend isn't okay, especially when I have always made this person a priority. My poor girlfriends who have stayed up late with me talking this through! I'm sorry!! What I'm also thinking about now is, why do we complain about being single? Is it because everyone around us is getting married? For me, I just want someone to have someone to tell good news to when it happens right away, or Someone to call when something bad happens and I want someone to hang out with and be my best friend. There is nothing wrong with that, right? Or maybe it's just a damn song coming through the speakers that triggers these angry, lonely feelings! Damn you, Ed Sheeran! I've gotten very good lately at telling myself that I deserve more and that's helped with this whole single thing. I'm okay being alone until I have someone who does want to hang out with me, share things with me and be a best friend. We're all worthy of that, aren't we?