How Getting Fired Changed Me

It's been almost 6 months since I heard the words "today is your last day," and as I have more time to think about it, I've started to think about all the ways this experience has ruined me. How it has completely changed me into a person I don't like at all. Aside from the typical and expected loss of income, being bored, feeling lazy and doubting yourself, I've noticed other things. I use to be this girl who could walk into a room full of strangers and own it. I was perfectly fine on my own and mingling, and if I wasn't comfortable, I faked it til I made it. All of the confidence I've built up over the years is gone. I feel myself becoming the shy girl I was back in Junior high before I stopped caring what people thought of me. Granted, some of the lack of confidence came from being rejected by a guy whom I fell petty hard for, but the rest of it came along when I lost my job. I find myself constantly worried that people are judging my or disappointed in me. I call myself a loser on a regular basis and that's the truth. And I know, I can hear people saying now, "you should be proud of the things you accomplished in other areas of your life, your weight loss." I know. I am proud, the gym is quite possibly the only place I go where I feel I can be myself and not feel this way. So hold that lecture, I got it. This is different. I find myself worried that when i walk away from someone, they immediately talk about me, I constantly feel like I'm bothering my friends if I text them something and unlike my past self, I find social situations a little scary now. I also find myself angry more often or in a bad mood. I use to always wear a smile on my face but now, even fake smiles are hard to come by. Most of that comes when I have to go clock in at my part time/in between jobs job, I cringe whenever anyone asks how I am. It's not their fault, they don't know what happened and I know that also, otherwise I wouldn't have just written that. I use to always be the one looking to try new things or go with the flow, but now I feel like I'm sitting around waiting for the next thing to go wrong. I feel like what can go wrong will go wrong. I adore my mom, but the thing that really bothers me about her is the fact that she never leaves the house unless it's for work, she fears life and adventures. That's not a way to live, I went skydiving last year, that's the way I want to live, but here I sit, worried. One thing I have gained though is my appreciation for the little things. Things like when my dog is out on a walk but he runs back to jump up on me to check in then go back to sniffing the grass, the summer nights sitting around a fire, the sunset in albertville every night, the little things. I was always go go go and paid no attention to how comforting little small things could be until now. So where am I at? I had an interview last week in Sioux Falls, SD and I enjoyed my stay. The staff was amazing and the location was great, now to play the waiting game. I've also got an interview Wednesday, I've never wanted a job more. I'm not a big "send good vibes" type of person, but cross your damn fingers for me that this goes well. There is one thing that hasn't changed and that's my will to keep fighting. I still workout every day and eat healthy and I look for jobs every day and apply when I see one that looks like a good fit for my experience. That radio station may have completely destroyed me, but they can't take that from me, they tried, but I will fucking win that battle. Last thought, I don't want pitty. I don't want people feeling bad for me or telling me that it's going to be okay, I wrote this for people who have been in this situation, so they know they're not alone in how they're feeling. That, and I'm sick of lying and telling people that I'm doing good or just fine. That's not real, but these struggles are.

Memories With Grandpa

I often get asked the questions wondering what happened to my dad or asking if I've ever met him and you know what? I don't need to! I have no interest. My "dad" made the decision to not be in my life. Ever. He doesn't deserve to know me and I often tell people that it's his loss because it is. It was my gain, too. I had a grandpa! I spent every weekend with him growing up and I consider myself to be the female version of him. He was funny, he found humor in everything. He was nice to everyone as we all should be. He was everything a Person should be and I'll never know another person like him as longn as I live. I remember loving Taco Johns as a kid,'so every Saturday, we'd go to white bear lake and he would order two tacos for each of us and we would sit by the lake and I use to think it was so funny the way he would eat them. It was like he was digging his face into the wrapper and devouring that as well. Every time I eat a taco, it brings me back to moments like that. People always make fun of me for loving to watch golf, I looked forward to phone conversations with him and making fake bets on who was going to win that weekend. I loved listening to him tell the pro through the television, as If they could hear him, what they should have done instead, or yelling at the ball. Anything, he knew best and I loved learning the game of golf through his eyes and ears. And you know how grandpa always knows best when it comes to fixing things? Well, he was always over at my house as a kid fixing my moms junky car, especially her muffler. Just like any other week, it had fallen down and grandpa and I picked up the wrong part at the store so he scrambled through the garage to find ANYTHING that could possibly work. What did he use? A training wheel. Yep, you read that correctly. He had somehow found a way to wrap my training where around it and rig the muffler back into its place. No "dad" could ever think of that in my life. A training wheel. How, um, creative! I would often call him around election season because it was fun to get him fired up. Neither of us wanted to argue with the other, but we secretly were arguing in our own minds. One of my favorite phone calls came when I was in college and Obama had been elected for his first term, there was a block party going on in Mankato. I answered his call and he said "I'm just calling to say that, well, whoever it is you voted for, I hope they won. I love you, good night." He was so upset by the election but he couldn't bare to ask me who I voted for. I still have a voicemail from him on that Election Day. I will keep that forever. One of my last memories with him came on my 21st birthday, I believe he knew he was sick and wouldn't get better. He called me up and asked for cake and ice cream and I couldn't say no. I went over and spent the day of my 21st birthday with him. Little did I know that that was the last day I would get to spend in the garden with him picking flowers and helping him with the tomato plants that I loved so much. He died the next month and I say holding his hand as long as possible. I can still her the smile on his face when I told him I wasn't leaving.

There's so much of him that I see in myself and I don't ever spend a day not thinking of memories like the ones I just told you about. His ability to light up a room and wear a smile on even the toughest days always blew My mind. I love how stubborn I am because of him, he taught me that it's okay to not be shy and to talk to strangers. We couldn't go to fleet farm on Saturdays unless we had a 5 hour time block because he would just stand and talk to everyone. My friends can't take me anywhere now without me doing the same. I hope that makes him proud. So back to the point of this, no, I don't need to know anything about my "dad" because I had one and no one will replace that relationship. I'm the winner because he chose to not be in my life, I had my grandpa!

Why?

I've spent the day watching the news trying to come up with words to describe how I'm feeling for the victims in the latest attacks in Orlando and I could only come up with one. "Why?" One, a up and coming singer who was just signing autographs for her fans. She was killed. Why? And not too long after, a different "man" opened fire on a gay nightclub killing 50 people and injuring even more. Why? Why can't we all accept that people come in every way, shape and form? Why does it matter our race, religion and who we love? None of these things should ever cause so much hated and give anyone reason to kill innocent people. It's because of these senseless people that we live in this great country, yet we have to be afraid. We have to be afraid to send our kids to school, we have to be afraid to be in a crowded and public place now because there are some awful people in this world. Just tonight, I was at the laundromat and a woman sped up, she parked sideways and left her car running. That caused me to get nervous and run out only because I've been watching the news and seeing horrific events unfold. Is that the way they want it? And by saying "they," I'm not calling out race, religion or sex. I'm saying "they" as in anybody who would to such a terrible and unthinkable thing! Do that want is to live in fear? Does it make them feel like they've won? If they too don't lose their lives while doing these things, do they go home with a smile on their faces? Why is it so hard to be kind and respectful? To be a good human being? It's not hard. It's hard to understand hot anybody could be so hateful, so angry. And I'm tired of the excuses we hear. "It's a mental health thing," "he saw two men kissing and it set him off," "he didn't like the professors." Whatever these excuses are, there is never a good reason to harm another. It's never okay. It's not okay that these mothers on the news tonight lost their sons or daughters who just went out to enjoy life and celebrate on a Saturday night. It's not okay that people lost their significant others, their best friends. I had to get it off my chest, I tried talking it out with someone earlier and nothing came out other than "why?"

28, Feelin Great.

My Birthday was last week and I had what everyone should have, a Birthday weekend! I know you've all been sitting at the edge of your seat to hear all about it, so here you go! Two of my closest friends had a Birthday on Friday and I knew I'd want to celebrate with me, so we had our mutual friends over at My friend JT's house and had a barbecue with some drinks and a fire. Did I follow my diet that night? No! I ate really good for most of the day, ran 5 miles and then I allowed myself to eat whatever was at this gathering. Let me tell you, I'm still not to the point where I don't hate myself for indulging a little. I took one bite of our ice cream cake and instantly felt guilty and I continued to do so until the next day at the gym. It's okay that I splurged, I know that. I'm better today about it because I got right back to the foods that do my body good. I'm over it! Friday was a day of catching up with friends over lunch and coffee, one was Steph, I met her through the gym and she never fails to motivate me to keep going. We talked about how life has been going, how out fitness is going and yes, Our dogs. Love her! Another was my friend Jason, I met him about 10 years ago working at Caribou! No, he didn't work there, our friendship is a reminder of why you should always strike up a conversation with someone you don't know, it could turn into something great! Saturday was AMAZING! My wonderful friend, Amanda, got tickets to the Twins game from work and took me with her!

The game was on a rain delay, so we wandered around and along the halls there, they have names of the lakes on Minnesota, I had to stop and take a picture of the white bear lake name. I spent weekends there as a kid with my grandma and grandpa. My grandpa was my hero, he still is even though I don't get to call him or see him anymore.

After the game, we met up with ladies from the gym and they were determined to make sure I was happy and having fun. They succeeded. I'm so lucky to have met this group of girls, and to think, I never would have met any of them had I not started working out with our trainer. That's crazy to me! My birthday felt incomplete until I celebrated with them, it was a night that will forever put a smile on my face!

They aren't in that picture, but my friends Mike and Kallie came out with us, Kallie joined in on the fun to find me a "Tommy" (listen to Trisha yearwood to know what that means.) They didn't succeed, but they will, I'm pretty confident in that. I love you all, thank you for making it an Amazing weekend and thanks to everyone who reached out to wish me a happy birthday, I felt the love that day and that feeling is still around today!

Goodbye, 27!

Another year has gone by and I must say, 27 has been "a doozy," but it wasn't all bad! In fact, some of the coolest experiences happens over the last 365 days. I've been messing around trying to find the best way to share those moments with you, so I hope this video works. Enjoy!

"F*** Being Single."

A few times a month, I have conversations about being single and how much it sucks with one of my best friends. Tonight, she said something to me that really made me sad. It was along the lines of her being worried that someone's not into her and thinking she's not worthy. This is what I said back: "You're amazing. Never think you're not worthy. Anyone who has crossed paths with you is lucky. Remember that :)" No one should EVER make her or anyone else feel unworthy of love and a relationship. Never. We all deserve to feel wanted and important to someone. I've got this one person in my life who has done a very good job in making me feel unworthy, even of his friendship at times. Once it came out that I had feelings for him and it was out in the open, I became an option and not a priority. That is never okay. It has taken me years to see that being ignored by someone whom I call a best friend isn't okay, especially when I have always made this person a priority. My poor girlfriends who have stayed up late with me talking this through! I'm sorry!! What I'm also thinking about now is, why do we complain about being single? Is it because everyone around us is getting married? For me, I just want someone to have someone to tell good news to when it happens right away, or Someone to call when something bad happens and I want someone to hang out with and be my best friend. There is nothing wrong with that, right? Or maybe it's just a damn song coming through the speakers that triggers these angry, lonely feelings! Damn you, Ed Sheeran! I've gotten very good lately at telling myself that I deserve more and that's helped with this whole single thing. I'm okay being alone until I have someone who does want to hang out with me, share things with me and be a best friend. We're all worthy of that, aren't we?

What The Grey's!?

Tis the season of Shonda! Shonda Rhimes, that is!

If there's anyone who owns Thursday nights and cliffhangers, it's her and with it being finale week, who knows what she has up her sleeves. 

Tomorrow is the season finale of "Grey's Anatomy" and it's no stranger to having jaw dropping endings, and based on what cast members are saying, this one will be no exception. 

They're teasing it to be a bigger catastrophe than the death of McDreamy, Derek Shepard. How!!!? 

Since we're so close to the finale, here are my thoughts on a few situations. If you're not all caught up, stop reading! 

My favorites first. Jackson and April: get your shit together and be together!!! Their relationship has been a disaster, yes, but a beautiful one. They're best friends and they truly need each other. It's in the way they look at each other and talk about each other. My favorite moment, okay, my two favorites happened a few weeks ago when he was looking at their marriage documents and he went to april saying he was done fighting and that she was his favorite person, then she had him feel the baby kick. Classic Japril moment! My second favorite was last week, she was on the stairs and they were talking, he reached out to touch her belly and quickly pulled back. I cried like a baby! They need to be together. End of story. Come on, Shonda!Meredith: she only hooked up with Riggs to get back at Owen for his relationship with Amelia! Both Mer and Riggs have been super frustrated and haven't liked each other and some times, that's how we get over it. Hopefully it's just a fling... Please? I love the friendship she has with Dr. Karev, he's the only one allowed to put her in her place now that Yang and Derek are gone. Do I think she overreacted last week during her blow up with Amelia? A little. But there's usually more to the story and I'm sure we'll find it out later. I get it, everyone's life is coming together while hers is still in pieces. Why should she be happy? I wouldn't be!Jo and Karev: is she freaking crazy!!!? She said she couldn't marry him! Why!? I've been hoping for them to be married since she got into the picture. They're both dark and twisty, they're tough and came from a tough up bringing. They're perfect together! I'm sure things about Jo will be coming out, there has to be a method behind that madness. Right? What do you think? Another question, my mom is hoping for Karev and Meredith to come together. I'm slowly coming around to that, what do you think?Owen and Amelia: I can't stand Amelia. I don't understand why she's here and I especially don't get that relationship. Maybe it's because I loved Christina Yang, maybe it's because they're on again/off again is annoying or maybe I just don't like her. Maybe it's all of the above? Either way, not a fan and who knows if it's actually going to happen. Arizona and Callie: GOODBYE Penny!!! I hope she's gone to New York and never comes back. That whole story line to me was ridiculous. She was a constant reminder that Derek was gone. How could Callie love her? And she loved her enough to think about giving everything up! I've never been a fan of Arizona until this season. I've always thought she was whiny and gross, but in the courtroom episode aired, I, along with everyone there, quickly became a fan. I'm happy about the way things played out there, Callie had it coming. With the finale coming tomorrow, I'll wait a few days and then come right back here for a recap! I'll let the important blogs/magazines spoil everything first!