One Year Later

On this day one year ago, I was in Las Vegas with my two best girls waiting to see the best entertainer, it was their first time seeing Jason Aldean. I'd lost count of how many times I'd seen him. My favorite. 

I had charged my phone just enough to maybe get a few pictures of his set, left my friends behind and went to join the crowd. He started with "They don't know," and I texted Leah and Samantha that I was up in front of out section by the bleachers. A few songs later, I felt someone touch my shoulder, the right one. Leah had come to join me. Another few seconds later, I heard something and asked the person next to me "who would be shooting off firecrackers at a place like this?" I turned to look at Leah, she was walking against the fence to try and see what happened... Then Aldean stopped singing and everything went dark. Leah said we had to go. 

The next 15 minutes felt like days, we couldn't find Samantha, we didn't know where to run, people were falling around us, there was blood. It was a real life nightmare. We got to safety and by some miracle, Samantha got to us. We hid at Desert Rose for hours waiting to get the clear to leave and catch our flight home. I remember texting so many people, "I'm safe and I love you" before my phone officially died. 

The time after that night has not been easy be any means. I still dream about it a few times a week, I'm jumpy, shaky and am more panic ridden than I ever had been prior to that night. I was once fearless at shows and public events, but now, I find it more exhausting than exhilarating. Probably the most embarrassing moment of panic I had was with my boyfriend at the time and we had left a concert early. Just before the fireworks, he was at a food stand ordering a gyro and the fireworks started to go off. I jumped and started to run towards him as if I wanted to save him and push him into safety. He hadn't really witnessed me that way before and I kept telling myself to breathe and calm down but it wasn't until he made me look at the fireworks that I was okay again. That happened very recently, so it's proof that the fear and panic will creep up when least expected and that that fear will never fully go away.

The year has not been easy. At all. And I would say that this last month has been the almost just as bad as it was in the days following the tragedy. This is because I’m back to feeling alone (I know that I’m not alone) and unsafe. For the last 5 months, I was with someone who made me feel safe and Free again. That relationship ended in early September. That’s all I will say about that because I really care about him and have honest feelings for him that I’m also trying to process. But now I’m back wondering where my safe place is. Where do I go when I get scared and have those nightmares?

A constant wonder I've had in these last 365 days is still "why not me?" Why did I survive and a father with two young kids or a nursing student died. Moms, Dads, husbands and wives. They were all somebodies someone. Why did I get out without a physical scratch and they did not? I ask that question every single day and I think it's something that I'll wonder for the rest of my life.

I’ve also noticed major changes in myself and life since that night. I’m truing really hard not to stress out about minor things anymore. For example, I was in line behind a guy at target who was yelling at the cashier because they ran out of paper bags. Why does that stuff matter so much? It doesn’t. I’ve also learned who is really there for me and who really matters in my life. A lot of people reached out after the event but few actually did something about it and got me up and out of bed. Those are the people who matter. I’m a lover and I just want everyone to always be happy and feel love but I have definitely learned who feels that same way towards me.

I didn’t make the trip to Las Vegas for the reunion and I’m so regretful, I don’t really have a reason for not going either. I’m so proud of all the survivors who are there right now, helping each other heal and remembering the 58 angels.

I’ve met a lot of really strong and amazing people this last year who know and understand what hat night was like and I call them family. I never had brothers or sisters, but now I do. They live all over Minnesota but we find ways to meet up at shows and we message each other when we’re not feeling strong and it helps. It really helps. Jessie, Phil, Dru, Steven, Taylor, Jordan, Kayla, Dawn, crystal, Danny, Melissa H, Corinna, Jenna, Kate, Stacey, Janet and Ginger, all the survivors, really.  I truly have a special spot in my heart for you guys. And Samantha and Leah, I couldn’t get through life without your friendship.

I’ve spent a lot of this past week celebrating the good memories. Because like I said, it was 14-15 bad Minutes and hundreds of good ones. How determined I was to rally with the girls on Saturday even though I was pretty sure I should have spent the day in bed with a bucket. That makes me smile. Or telling Maren Morris how bad ass she is. Or waking up and asking if us three could go buy sunglasses together. And Danny sneaking some type of alcohol in a sunscreen tube. Genius. I love those memories so much. And I look at those pictures every day, I will always do that.

2018

We’re halfway through month one of 2018, gladly, I can say I have nothing to report. My mom and I have been arguing for about two weeks, but that’s a can of worms that nobody needs to hear about. Right?

I will say that one of the things said to me by her was that I need to get some serious help. That one hurt. That hurt a lot, especially because it came from the person I should feel the most close to and safe around.

To set it up, we were driving through downtown, we have to share a car at the moment so she needed to come to the radio station with me one night. There was a Wolves game so it was really crowded. Someone cut in front of us near a bus stop that always makes me anxious to be near because of news stories and I don’t particularly like the thought of someone possibly having a gun on them at the moment. She started to yell at the person who cut us off and I asked her to just be quiet while we were in all that traffic because I was anxious. She said I was overreacting and that I need serious help.  Ouch. Huge dagger.

The problem I have is that I was at an event where a huge tragedy happened. People were running for their lives, making last phone calls to their loved ones, screaming. Being shot. Did she forget that 58 people died? I feel as though it’s expected that we move on by now. It was only three and a half months ago!

PTSD is real. And it’s a bitch.

I still shut my eyes and hear/see everything from those 14 ish minutes. I can’t stand the thought of hearing bubble wrap. I go through every day waiting to be scared, waiting for something to send me into a dark place to where I don’t want to leave my bed. It’s exhausting for those of us who have been through something like that to go about our days as though it never happened. Please don’t expect something like this to go away. It doesn’t. We heal and we keep going. We do whatever we can to try and find joy in our lives or to try and figure out the reason we survived. We keep on surviving. Healing means that we’ve got the courage to keep doing things that make us happy and not let the fear take over our lives.

I titled this “2018” because, well, that’s what it is. A new year! What do I want out of this year? Considering how ridiculous 2017 was, the answer is simple. Not much. I do want to pay it forward. I saw an amazing example of kindness and love that horrible night and I think that we could all be more kind to one another. I don’t have the money to donate to causes but I do love to just talk to people and try to put even the smallest smile on their face. In a way, that’s paying it forward. That’s what I want out of the year, more kindness. Kindness from myself and this sometimes effed up world we live in.

Volunteering is on my list, but it can’t be with animals. I don’t have enough tears left, norm will my dog be happy when I show up with 30 new dogs a night. But something. I will volunteer this year.


I also turn 30. Nashville, I shall see you in June. No long-winded explanation needed!

There’s more to come out of this year and I promise (semi-promise) to check back in once in a while. If you actually read this whole thing, thank you. Happy New Year!

One Month.

Four weeks and two days. That's how long ago the calendar says it's been since a monster took the lives of 58 beautiful people at a concert and injured more than that. Four weeks, two days.

Some days it feels longer than that and most days, it feels like I'm still hiding at desert rose. I think that to understand how we're all feeling, you had to be there but I would never in a million years wish that terror on anyone. Nobody should have to see or feel that. Ever.

So, how has it been going for me? I'm tired. When I say I'm tired, it's not because I didn't get enough sleep, it's that I can't sleep. I wake up constantly through the night to make sure I'm home, to make sure my dog is still next to me or simply just to think about that night. I can't sleep.

Before this happened, I was really sensitive to sounds, they annoyed me. Now, they scare me. The other day at work, a girl was making a constant clicking noise and because she knows that use to annoy me, she didn't take me seriously when I said the noise was scaring me. So for the rest of the night, all I thought about was the clicking, the gun shots. I heard them for hours in my mind. I use to be really curious whenever I see or hear a siren, now I cover my ears and take cover. People probably think I'm nuts and that also makes me cry because most will never understand or know what this feels like. And again, I never want them to.

I can't focus or remember anything, everything feels numb. People think I've lost it. Yes, someone even said that to me, actually, multiple people have. I never feel like I know what day it is anymore, I can't remember what I did just yesterday, everything feels blurry except that night.

I feel like some people just expect us all to move on and go back to normal after a month has passed, they expect me to be my happy, bubbly self again and that's just not the case. I know that. I know that it will take a lot of time and that years from now, I may still have fears and feeling at certain points.. But, do they know that? I'm not sure. USA Today posted a really good article about PTSD and the coping process. It was a good read for me to understand that I am normal and to realize that I do have a long road ahead when it comes to healing or coping. It will not happen over night, please understand that.

Some days are tougher than others. I'm writing this on the second straight bad day, on the verge of tears and throwing up. I'm just waiting for something to trigger both and then maybe I'll feel better for the day and tomorrow's a new day, right?

What's helped? Music. Jason Aldean released his SNL performance of "I Won't Back Down," and I've listened to is every single day. Every Day. It reminds me to be brave and not let that monster win. I've gone to two concerts, for both, the scariest part was walking around before or after the show. Thomas Rhett is playing on November 29th and I'm so looking forward to it. I will not let anything take away my love for live country, I said that when it happened and I say it again today.

Also, typing this has helped. I think it's good to see my feelings and if you stuck around long enough to read this whole thing, thank you.

Survivors Guilt

Not even a week ago, I was at a music festival, people were dancing, singing and just having a great time enjoying life. I had been looking forward to the weekend for months, some of my favorite country artists and more importantly, time with two of my closest friends. It was set up to be one of the best weekends of my life. Jason Aldean had just started the show, 5 or 6 songs in, then he went into "When She Says Baby," and some guy who doesn't even deserve a name decided to take that away from myself and 22,000 other innocent, beautiful people.

The big question I keep getting is "how are you doing?"

I'm here. Physically, I'm here, but I'm struggling. When I'm with people I know and love, I'm okay but it seems to all fall apart when I'm in my car heading to my next destination not knowing what or who will be there or what will happen.

My biggest thing right now is that I feel guilty.. So guilty. I feel guilty that I knew my friends were tired and ready for the night to end but they stayed so that I could see Jason Aldean again. They had to experience that horror because of me. I feel guilty that my friend had to hear his wife crying on the phone as gun shots could be heard. I feel guilty that Sam had been separated from us and for a few of the longest minutes of my life, we didn't know where she was and she was running for her life alone. Could I have stayed in there and try to help get people out of there or put pressure on someones wound? Could I have done something so that one less person died? I feel guilty that I made it and I got to come home.

I can't get the sound of Leah's voice telling me to take her hand out of my head. Her telling me that we have to keep running as I stood there in a state of shock probably woke me up and saved my life. The screams won't go away. And, most of all, I can't forget the sound of the shots being fired. My windshield wiper was broken and the rubber was hitting the window, the sound of that was putting me into a state of shock and panic so, being in my car for the couple of days until I could get a new one was making me ill. I hear nothing when I'm alone but gun shots.

I can't get the image of people being shot all around us as we ran out of my head, or the image of a girl laying on the ground who had been shot in the stomach, why her and not me?

I'll never forget the look I saw on Sam's face when we were reunited at that time share where we sat for hours in disbelief. For 10 minutes, I thought I had lost one of the greatest people I've ever met.


I haven't watched much of the news on purpose, I already hear the screams and the gun shots in my mind, I don't need to hear more of them. I don't need the images of that "man" or his hotel room imprinted in my mind, I don't need any of that. What I need is music, my friends and my dog.

People keep suggesting that I talk to someone. I am thinking about it, but for now, I'm trying to process it on my own. There is a support group on Facebook filled with all the people sharing their stories and their struggles, I did join that today and plan to check in on it daily. I'm not one who likes to talk through my feelings, I like to put my earbuds in and get lost in a song or two. I find joy in walking my dog and working out. so, for now, I'm going to try and process this slowly and on my own. I wish that I could wake up every day and hug Leah and Sam. Girls, please just know that I love you..

Concerts- you bet your ass that I will continue to go to them, festivals, too. Country music is my heart and it always will be. I will always go out and celebrate it with my friends and make new friends. No one can take that from me.

Thank Yous- I've never experienced so much love. While this is the worst experience, and I will never feel completely at peace, all of you who have reached out to me have helped me.

I'm ending with this. Eric Church wrote this song about the events, he described us as his people and he sang it at the opry.

Living With Someone Who's Not So Healthy

This post is doing exactly what I hoped to do way back when I started this thing, answer questions! For the last three years, MANY people have asked how I maintain the healthy eating when I live with someone who is the complete opposite, my mom. The answer is quite simple, actually. We have to have separate cupboards and sections in the fridge or freezer. If I see the snack cakes or the ice cream, I'm going to want it. "But Katie, isn't that hard?" Absolutely. I think the hardest part is grocery shopping. Since I'm living there rent free, I do all the shopping. If it were up to me, I would buy fruits, veggies and protein. Nothing else. I wouldn't look at cookies, ice cream, bread or anything else fun. But I do then I'm more tempted to buy something bad for myself and, I hope this doesn't hurt her feelings, but I get embarrassed sometimes when I run into people who know me or even at the checkout lanes because I've got my healthy stuff and her bad stuff. I feel like some stuck up snob in front of me is judging me by the cookies I put on the belt and automatically assuming that they're for me. Wrong. The other hard part, which isn't even me being worried anymore, it's me being annoyed, is that she's had a lot of health issues but she doesn't want to change. Not even after watching me go through this physical and mental transformation. It's upsetting that she just seems to have given up but the more I push her, the more insulted she feels. So I give up. I do always use ground turkey or grass fed beef on occasion when I make dinner for both of us and I don't eat whatever she's having on the side. I eat veggies instead of french fries, A salad with greens instead of mac & cheese and so on. I make my healthy swaps, yes, it is more work, but worth it for me. She eats ice cream.. That is by far the biggest challenge for me, if you read my first or second blog, you know that I'm fully capable of eating a gallon or two of the good stuff. So, I leave and walk the dog when she pulls that out of the freezer. I keep Angies Boom Chicka Pop and frozen berries close if I need something or on a rare occasion, a greek yogurt. When you decide to take control of your health, there are always going to be people who question you, make fun of how much you post about it and try and tempt you, but be stronger than them in every single way! It's going to be hard and annoying, but always remember how you felt before starting, keep a picture close, have a goal and look at it every day. Then, those people won't matter and it'll go in one ear and out the other. As far as them making fun of you for posting on facebook, twitter and insta. They don't have to follow you, if they don't like it, there's a button they can click, right!? Hope that answers that question for you! I end with this amazing salad that I had last weekend in Stillwater, checkout the Dock Cafe if you're ever there. It's right on the river and delicious! This salad had apples, pecans, butternut squash and more tossed in an apple vinaigrette. YUM!

Short and Sweet- My Class Reunion

The night before my 10 year class reunion, I was having nightmares that nobody I was excited to see showed up, only people I didn't like very much or had no interest in catching up with. The fake ones, the ones who were my friend up until graduation day and then that was it. But guess what. It was amazing! I felt so good walking into the room, loved my outfit, I had a smile on my face, took a deep breath, said "okay," and went down the last step. Instantly got hugs from former classmates. Between the hugging and looking over to see Tiffany, one of my closest friends throughout high school running over to me, I knew I was in for a great night. A lot of my night was spent hanging around with my normal group that I had back in the day and that was amazing, the last time I saw them was when Dan and Lacey got married.. That was a while ago, by the way! I loved dancing the night away with them, I left with a smile on my face because of moments like that. I also absolutely loved walking around and talking with people whom I rarely connected with in school, it was after graduation that we were Facebook friends. When I wasn't dancing, that's what i was doing and I loved it. I didn't want the night to end, but it did and I was back in Albertville by midnight. I've been talking about it and telling my friends about it all week and explaining to them how happy I am that I went, I'm so happy I danced, caught up, played in the photo booth and even met new friends. It was my favorite night that I've had in a while and I mean that. Like I said, short and sweet post tonight, but don't worry because I also learned that night that you guys actually enjoy reading this thing and I NEED to get better at this! That being said, I've got two more that I'm working on as you read this. Thank for you reading my random thoughts and terrible at times writing, I like to write how I speak, I think that makes it even more real than it actually is. Oh! here are a couple of pictures from that great night, Osseo, let's not make it another decade!

Osseo Kicks 2006!

If you had asked me 3 months ago if I'd be attending my 10 year (HOW!?) High School reunion, chances are I would have said "no". No, I didn't really have a bad experience in school, most of that happened in Jr. High. I had two guys pretend to have a crush on me because it's funny to play a joke on the fat girl, and I had one REALLY mean girl named Kenosha, she went on to another school not even in by district and I'm not even sure she graduated. As for the mean boys, I remember one of them saying "who would want to wake up in the morning next to Katie Toupal?" Yeah. That hurt. No wonder I lack confidence in the dating department. One of them went on to Park Center, and the other left me alone, even when we had a class together. Back to my original point, I'm rambling. I would have said no just because I was extremely embarrassed by where my life was heading. I was unemployed pretty much, just serving lattes, living at home and extremely single; I got the invite a week after being fired! Well, one of those has changed and I'm damn proud and excited to talk about where I'm working. I've dreamt of working at this station since it launched. And I went through absolute hell to get here. But I did it! I'm still living at home, yes. That'll change with time and it's not like I want to, I have no financial choice. And my dating life? Well.. yeah. Single.. Perpetually and hopelessly devoted to a guy who could care less of my existence.. But that's okay, I'm independent and dating is absolutely exhausting, the right guy will come when we're both ready... Or some cheesy thing like that. A friend asked if I was bringing anyone, nope.. I got one ticket. "But Katie, who are you going to hang out with?" One thing I've always been proud of myself for is how I handle a social situation. Sometime back in 8th grade, I snapped and decided I wasn't going to be shy anymore. Awkward? Absolutely! But quiet? no. I had my go-to friends in high school and I'm so excited to see them and visit with them and their spouses but i also know that I'll be okay mingling and chatting with people whom maybe I never spoke to in school. It'll be fun! Here's A throwback Pic for ya! Another reason I can't wait is because I am NOT that girl anymore! That girl was eating fast food and sitting on the couch with ice cream every night and was left out on the field for mile run day! I'm proud of that. call me arrogant, that's fine. But I earned the right to be happy and proud of myself, right!? The big night is Saturday (post-Luke Bryan hangover will be in full effect!) Check back here for how an update sometime next week!

The Scale Is Just A Number

I haven't stepped on a scale since I moved back home from Montana.. Nearly one year ago! I hate it, it means nothing to me, It doesn't know that I go to the gym and push myself 6 days a week, two hours a day. It doesn't know and it doesn't care. That being said, I had been feeling like I would see results and two GUYS, one of them being my trainer mentioned that I looked smaller... "way smaller." So, I did it. I went into the bathroom at the gym yesterday and stepped on. The number on that scale went against any compliment anyone has given me about looking in better shape. It ruined my mood, my workout and confidence for the day. Stepping on the scale and seeing that number didn't make me think "Oh, maybe it's the scale, I don't know how to use this one." It made me mad. I've been pinching every penny to eat right and pay for good workouts and the support of an amazing trainer/friend and I've got nothing to show. We all know that's a load of shit. Me feeling fat the rest of the day and being on the verge of tears was for no reason. Yes, it's normal, I should feel disappointed, but that's crap. Hell, on Monday, we had a reps challenge and I was intimidated by the fit girls by my side and i was the first one done. I wanted to puke, but I did it. so, screw the scale. I emailed Kirk (trainer) and told him how upset I was and he reminded me that we switched up my workouts to lifting more, so I've definitely got more muscle than fat mass and that's where the scale doesn't know. and he said I was looking "way way smaller." It's really hard not to let the scale get to me, but that's why I lean on the trainer and everybody at my gym. we push each other and motivate each other. Anybody who finds themselves in a life long battle with that thing needs to pay more attention to themselves, what they're doing, how they're eating, how are the clothes fitting. HOW DO YOU FEEL? That's what's important. screw the numbers!

Back Where I Belong!

After 6 LONG months of being quiet and feeling like my life was over, that my country radio dream was never going to happen, I can happily say that I'm back! Where? You ask? Am I moving away again? No! Minneapolis, I'm Back and it feels good to be......

Buzn! I've wanted for a LOOOOOONG time to be apart of this amazing station and I'm so happy that they're willing to give me a chance! When can you hear me? Thursday and Friday nights 7pm-10pm and Sunday nights as well. I'm so excited to get to talk to the audience again about the music that I feel so passionately about and most importantly, I can't wait to connect with listeners again! My first shift is this Thursday night (7/21) tune in! I'm incredibly nervous, but I'm counting down the seconds! A big thank you to everyone who has kept me from falling apart and who kept telling me that I'll be okay, you were right!

5K Playlist

I'd been wanting to run the Twin Cities In Motion's Red, Whitw and boom 5k for a few years, so today, I did! It was a beautiful course and a fun environment, can't wait until next year! I had said when I registered that I wanted to do it in 35 Minutes or less and I was pretty confident that with the interval training I've been doing, I'd be able to easily meet that goal. Did I?

Hope. Missed it by 4-ish minutes. Dang it! I'm happy with it considering how crummy I was feeling this morning, and one thing I told my trainer was that it was nice not being one of the last ones to finish; normally I'm in the very back of the group. I'll take that as a victory in my book! Before you tell or roll you eyes, there's nothing wrong with being in the back of the pack, you're there, you're being active and you should be proud of that! One of my favorite parts of these organized runs is getting to make a playlist. I make a different one each time I go out, a lot of the songs are the same, but I'm tricking my mind by throwing a few new ones in there.... Or something like that! I do, however, have two songs that MUST be on every one: Jason Aldean (obviously)- Night Train. If you follow me on any form of social media, you know that this is my 1 song I could listen to for the rest of my life and be perfectly happy if I never heard any other song again. Something about it brings me back to earth whenever I'm in a stressed out moment or just need to stop and breathe. We all have something that does that for us, this does it for me. It's always placed in the middle of a run. And the other? Life House (yes)- Hanging By A Moment. Whenever I say this to people, they laugh. Maybe it's a personal connection to the song, a memory that it brings back, something about screaming along to this song is extremely helpful to me in any given moment. I'll never not listen to this song. As for the rest of the playlist, check it out and enjoy :).

How Getting Fired Changed Me

It's been almost 6 months since I heard the words "today is your last day," and as I have more time to think about it, I've started to think about all the ways this experience has ruined me. How it has completely changed me into a person I don't like at all. Aside from the typical and expected loss of income, being bored, feeling lazy and doubting yourself, I've noticed other things. I use to be this girl who could walk into a room full of strangers and own it. I was perfectly fine on my own and mingling, and if I wasn't comfortable, I faked it til I made it. All of the confidence I've built up over the years is gone. I feel myself becoming the shy girl I was back in Junior high before I stopped caring what people thought of me. Granted, some of the lack of confidence came from being rejected by a guy whom I fell petty hard for, but the rest of it came along when I lost my job. I find myself constantly worried that people are judging my or disappointed in me. I call myself a loser on a regular basis and that's the truth. And I know, I can hear people saying now, "you should be proud of the things you accomplished in other areas of your life, your weight loss." I know. I am proud, the gym is quite possibly the only place I go where I feel I can be myself and not feel this way. So hold that lecture, I got it. This is different. I find myself worried that when i walk away from someone, they immediately talk about me, I constantly feel like I'm bothering my friends if I text them something and unlike my past self, I find social situations a little scary now. I also find myself angry more often or in a bad mood. I use to always wear a smile on my face but now, even fake smiles are hard to come by. Most of that comes when I have to go clock in at my part time/in between jobs job, I cringe whenever anyone asks how I am. It's not their fault, they don't know what happened and I know that also, otherwise I wouldn't have just written that. I use to always be the one looking to try new things or go with the flow, but now I feel like I'm sitting around waiting for the next thing to go wrong. I feel like what can go wrong will go wrong. I adore my mom, but the thing that really bothers me about her is the fact that she never leaves the house unless it's for work, she fears life and adventures. That's not a way to live, I went skydiving last year, that's the way I want to live, but here I sit, worried. One thing I have gained though is my appreciation for the little things. Things like when my dog is out on a walk but he runs back to jump up on me to check in then go back to sniffing the grass, the summer nights sitting around a fire, the sunset in albertville every night, the little things. I was always go go go and paid no attention to how comforting little small things could be until now. So where am I at? I had an interview last week in Sioux Falls, SD and I enjoyed my stay. The staff was amazing and the location was great, now to play the waiting game. I've also got an interview Wednesday, I've never wanted a job more. I'm not a big "send good vibes" type of person, but cross your damn fingers for me that this goes well. There is one thing that hasn't changed and that's my will to keep fighting. I still workout every day and eat healthy and I look for jobs every day and apply when I see one that looks like a good fit for my experience. That radio station may have completely destroyed me, but they can't take that from me, they tried, but I will fucking win that battle. Last thought, I don't want pitty. I don't want people feeling bad for me or telling me that it's going to be okay, I wrote this for people who have been in this situation, so they know they're not alone in how they're feeling. That, and I'm sick of lying and telling people that I'm doing good or just fine. That's not real, but these struggles are.

Memories With Grandpa

I often get asked the questions wondering what happened to my dad or asking if I've ever met him and you know what? I don't need to! I have no interest. My "dad" made the decision to not be in my life. Ever. He doesn't deserve to know me and I often tell people that it's his loss because it is. It was my gain, too. I had a grandpa! I spent every weekend with him growing up and I consider myself to be the female version of him. He was funny, he found humor in everything. He was nice to everyone as we all should be. He was everything a Person should be and I'll never know another person like him as longn as I live. I remember loving Taco Johns as a kid,'so every Saturday, we'd go to white bear lake and he would order two tacos for each of us and we would sit by the lake and I use to think it was so funny the way he would eat them. It was like he was digging his face into the wrapper and devouring that as well. Every time I eat a taco, it brings me back to moments like that. People always make fun of me for loving to watch golf, I looked forward to phone conversations with him and making fake bets on who was going to win that weekend. I loved listening to him tell the pro through the television, as If they could hear him, what they should have done instead, or yelling at the ball. Anything, he knew best and I loved learning the game of golf through his eyes and ears. And you know how grandpa always knows best when it comes to fixing things? Well, he was always over at my house as a kid fixing my moms junky car, especially her muffler. Just like any other week, it had fallen down and grandpa and I picked up the wrong part at the store so he scrambled through the garage to find ANYTHING that could possibly work. What did he use? A training wheel. Yep, you read that correctly. He had somehow found a way to wrap my training where around it and rig the muffler back into its place. No "dad" could ever think of that in my life. A training wheel. How, um, creative! I would often call him around election season because it was fun to get him fired up. Neither of us wanted to argue with the other, but we secretly were arguing in our own minds. One of my favorite phone calls came when I was in college and Obama had been elected for his first term, there was a block party going on in Mankato. I answered his call and he said "I'm just calling to say that, well, whoever it is you voted for, I hope they won. I love you, good night." He was so upset by the election but he couldn't bare to ask me who I voted for. I still have a voicemail from him on that Election Day. I will keep that forever. One of my last memories with him came on my 21st birthday, I believe he knew he was sick and wouldn't get better. He called me up and asked for cake and ice cream and I couldn't say no. I went over and spent the day of my 21st birthday with him. Little did I know that that was the last day I would get to spend in the garden with him picking flowers and helping him with the tomato plants that I loved so much. He died the next month and I say holding his hand as long as possible. I can still her the smile on his face when I told him I wasn't leaving.

There's so much of him that I see in myself and I don't ever spend a day not thinking of memories like the ones I just told you about. His ability to light up a room and wear a smile on even the toughest days always blew My mind. I love how stubborn I am because of him, he taught me that it's okay to not be shy and to talk to strangers. We couldn't go to fleet farm on Saturdays unless we had a 5 hour time block because he would just stand and talk to everyone. My friends can't take me anywhere now without me doing the same. I hope that makes him proud. So back to the point of this, no, I don't need to know anything about my "dad" because I had one and no one will replace that relationship. I'm the winner because he chose to not be in my life, I had my grandpa!

Why?

I've spent the day watching the news trying to come up with words to describe how I'm feeling for the victims in the latest attacks in Orlando and I could only come up with one. "Why?" One, a up and coming singer who was just signing autographs for her fans. She was killed. Why? And not too long after, a different "man" opened fire on a gay nightclub killing 50 people and injuring even more. Why? Why can't we all accept that people come in every way, shape and form? Why does it matter our race, religion and who we love? None of these things should ever cause so much hated and give anyone reason to kill innocent people. It's because of these senseless people that we live in this great country, yet we have to be afraid. We have to be afraid to send our kids to school, we have to be afraid to be in a crowded and public place now because there are some awful people in this world. Just tonight, I was at the laundromat and a woman sped up, she parked sideways and left her car running. That caused me to get nervous and run out only because I've been watching the news and seeing horrific events unfold. Is that the way they want it? And by saying "they," I'm not calling out race, religion or sex. I'm saying "they" as in anybody who would to such a terrible and unthinkable thing! Do that want is to live in fear? Does it make them feel like they've won? If they too don't lose their lives while doing these things, do they go home with a smile on their faces? Why is it so hard to be kind and respectful? To be a good human being? It's not hard. It's hard to understand hot anybody could be so hateful, so angry. And I'm tired of the excuses we hear. "It's a mental health thing," "he saw two men kissing and it set him off," "he didn't like the professors." Whatever these excuses are, there is never a good reason to harm another. It's never okay. It's not okay that these mothers on the news tonight lost their sons or daughters who just went out to enjoy life and celebrate on a Saturday night. It's not okay that people lost their significant others, their best friends. I had to get it off my chest, I tried talking it out with someone earlier and nothing came out other than "why?"

28, Feelin Great.

My Birthday was last week and I had what everyone should have, a Birthday weekend! I know you've all been sitting at the edge of your seat to hear all about it, so here you go! Two of my closest friends had a Birthday on Friday and I knew I'd want to celebrate with me, so we had our mutual friends over at My friend JT's house and had a barbecue with some drinks and a fire. Did I follow my diet that night? No! I ate really good for most of the day, ran 5 miles and then I allowed myself to eat whatever was at this gathering. Let me tell you, I'm still not to the point where I don't hate myself for indulging a little. I took one bite of our ice cream cake and instantly felt guilty and I continued to do so until the next day at the gym. It's okay that I splurged, I know that. I'm better today about it because I got right back to the foods that do my body good. I'm over it! Friday was a day of catching up with friends over lunch and coffee, one was Steph, I met her through the gym and she never fails to motivate me to keep going. We talked about how life has been going, how out fitness is going and yes, Our dogs. Love her! Another was my friend Jason, I met him about 10 years ago working at Caribou! No, he didn't work there, our friendship is a reminder of why you should always strike up a conversation with someone you don't know, it could turn into something great! Saturday was AMAZING! My wonderful friend, Amanda, got tickets to the Twins game from work and took me with her!

The game was on a rain delay, so we wandered around and along the halls there, they have names of the lakes on Minnesota, I had to stop and take a picture of the white bear lake name. I spent weekends there as a kid with my grandma and grandpa. My grandpa was my hero, he still is even though I don't get to call him or see him anymore.

After the game, we met up with ladies from the gym and they were determined to make sure I was happy and having fun. They succeeded. I'm so lucky to have met this group of girls, and to think, I never would have met any of them had I not started working out with our trainer. That's crazy to me! My birthday felt incomplete until I celebrated with them, it was a night that will forever put a smile on my face!

They aren't in that picture, but my friends Mike and Kallie came out with us, Kallie joined in on the fun to find me a "Tommy" (listen to Trisha yearwood to know what that means.) They didn't succeed, but they will, I'm pretty confident in that. I love you all, thank you for making it an Amazing weekend and thanks to everyone who reached out to wish me a happy birthday, I felt the love that day and that feeling is still around today!

Goodbye, 27!

Another year has gone by and I must say, 27 has been "a doozy," but it wasn't all bad! In fact, some of the coolest experiences happens over the last 365 days. I've been messing around trying to find the best way to share those moments with you, so I hope this video works. Enjoy!

"F*** Being Single."

A few times a month, I have conversations about being single and how much it sucks with one of my best friends. Tonight, she said something to me that really made me sad. It was along the lines of her being worried that someone's not into her and thinking she's not worthy. This is what I said back: "You're amazing. Never think you're not worthy. Anyone who has crossed paths with you is lucky. Remember that :)" No one should EVER make her or anyone else feel unworthy of love and a relationship. Never. We all deserve to feel wanted and important to someone. I've got this one person in my life who has done a very good job in making me feel unworthy, even of his friendship at times. Once it came out that I had feelings for him and it was out in the open, I became an option and not a priority. That is never okay. It has taken me years to see that being ignored by someone whom I call a best friend isn't okay, especially when I have always made this person a priority. My poor girlfriends who have stayed up late with me talking this through! I'm sorry!! What I'm also thinking about now is, why do we complain about being single? Is it because everyone around us is getting married? For me, I just want someone to have someone to tell good news to when it happens right away, or Someone to call when something bad happens and I want someone to hang out with and be my best friend. There is nothing wrong with that, right? Or maybe it's just a damn song coming through the speakers that triggers these angry, lonely feelings! Damn you, Ed Sheeran! I've gotten very good lately at telling myself that I deserve more and that's helped with this whole single thing. I'm okay being alone until I have someone who does want to hang out with me, share things with me and be a best friend. We're all worthy of that, aren't we?

What The Grey's!?

Tis the season of Shonda! Shonda Rhimes, that is!

If there's anyone who owns Thursday nights and cliffhangers, it's her and with it being finale week, who knows what she has up her sleeves. 

Tomorrow is the season finale of "Grey's Anatomy" and it's no stranger to having jaw dropping endings, and based on what cast members are saying, this one will be no exception. 

They're teasing it to be a bigger catastrophe than the death of McDreamy, Derek Shepard. How!!!? 

Since we're so close to the finale, here are my thoughts on a few situations. If you're not all caught up, stop reading! 

My favorites first. Jackson and April: get your shit together and be together!!! Their relationship has been a disaster, yes, but a beautiful one. They're best friends and they truly need each other. It's in the way they look at each other and talk about each other. My favorite moment, okay, my two favorites happened a few weeks ago when he was looking at their marriage documents and he went to april saying he was done fighting and that she was his favorite person, then she had him feel the baby kick. Classic Japril moment! My second favorite was last week, she was on the stairs and they were talking, he reached out to touch her belly and quickly pulled back. I cried like a baby! They need to be together. End of story. Come on, Shonda!Meredith: she only hooked up with Riggs to get back at Owen for his relationship with Amelia! Both Mer and Riggs have been super frustrated and haven't liked each other and some times, that's how we get over it. Hopefully it's just a fling... Please? I love the friendship she has with Dr. Karev, he's the only one allowed to put her in her place now that Yang and Derek are gone. Do I think she overreacted last week during her blow up with Amelia? A little. But there's usually more to the story and I'm sure we'll find it out later. I get it, everyone's life is coming together while hers is still in pieces. Why should she be happy? I wouldn't be!Jo and Karev: is she freaking crazy!!!? She said she couldn't marry him! Why!? I've been hoping for them to be married since she got into the picture. They're both dark and twisty, they're tough and came from a tough up bringing. They're perfect together! I'm sure things about Jo will be coming out, there has to be a method behind that madness. Right? What do you think? Another question, my mom is hoping for Karev and Meredith to come together. I'm slowly coming around to that, what do you think?Owen and Amelia: I can't stand Amelia. I don't understand why she's here and I especially don't get that relationship. Maybe it's because I loved Christina Yang, maybe it's because they're on again/off again is annoying or maybe I just don't like her. Maybe it's all of the above? Either way, not a fan and who knows if it's actually going to happen. Arizona and Callie: GOODBYE Penny!!! I hope she's gone to New York and never comes back. That whole story line to me was ridiculous. She was a constant reminder that Derek was gone. How could Callie love her? And she loved her enough to think about giving everything up! I've never been a fan of Arizona until this season. I've always thought she was whiny and gross, but in the courtroom episode aired, I, along with everyone there, quickly became a fan. I'm happy about the way things played out there, Callie had it coming. With the finale coming tomorrow, I'll wait a few days and then come right back here for a recap! I'll let the important blogs/magazines spoil everything first!

Just A Thought

I've never thought of myself as an inspiration, in fact, I never know how to respond when someone says that I've inspired them. It brings tears to my eyes, the good kind, and I always only say "thank you," and move about the conversation. 

Tonight, I got a message from someone who use to come see me at my first Caribou store. She knew me when I was just an intern at a radio station, she knew me when I was 356 lbs, haven't seen her in years!

Why am I sharing this? Why not!? 

No, seriously, I don't think we ever know the impact of the nice things we say or do for eachother. 

Last night was another one of the nights where I faked a smile as I went through my shift of slinging lattes. I kept excusing myself from the counter so I could go in the back and give myself a pep talk and remind myself that this is a job and not a career. (Thanks to my friend, Bev, for pointing that out last week.)

My point is, that message was exactly what I wanted to hear. Exactly what I needed to hear. In a sense, it lifted a little weight off my shoulders and I don't know why. 

When you guys say that I've motivated or inspired you, you truly are doing just the same for me. Those sweet words keep me pushing for those extra pounds towards my goal and towards sending in yet another demo to a radio station. Thank you for that!

I think that sometimes, we hold in a compliment from someone because we think they won't care if we like their necklace or if we thought their joke was funny. But the truth is, we all need to hear good things about ourselves, don't we all deserve to? 

Don't hold back the next nice thing you want to say to someone, they may be having a terrible time and you could be exactly what they need. Even if you've never even met that person before.  

My Bi-Weekly Check In

Ok, maybe it's a tri-weekly thing, not sure. Life has been a bumpy road, like the last few months, so that's new? 

I owe you an apology for not having pictures from my Vegas trip and that's because I didn't go. The bigger apology goes to my best friend out there for me not showing. 

Why did I show? My mom hasn't been the healthiest of people throughout life, and life threw a little reminder of that our way. 

I was at the gym the morning before I was suppose to leave for my trip when I got a call that my mom needed to be taken to the ER. 

Won't go into blah blah details because nobody wants to hear that. So how is she now? Still trying to figure out what's wrong. But she's alive, that's what matters. 

The same day this all happened was the day we lost a true treasure to the music world, Prince. 

It's going to be one of those moments where I'll always remember where I was, who I was with and how I felt when the news broke. I wanted to cry but couldn't, I just remember telling to the radio," why!? No!" 

My jaw was on the floor and I didn't leave my couch for two days because I wanted to take in all the news I could about this. It consumes me. 

That Sunday, I woke up to rain and wanted to go visit Paisley Park. Let me tell you, Minnesota, you're perfect. Perfect in the way that we all came

Together and forgot about all the other protesting and drama that had taken over our state and it was to remember our hometown Prince. 

Just looking at all the memorials set up, the block parties and all the messages was enough to finally bring the waterworks from me. It was amazing. 

Prince was different and he made it okay for others to be different. There are so many artists who wouldn't be who they are without his influence. The music world owes him. 

I'm no longer paying attention to the news, though, because I don't want to know. Was it drugs? Maybe. Maybe it was an overdose. Who knows? But leave him alone. And I do fully understand that the media has to cover it. It would be lethal not to, I'm just not paying attention, let Prince remain a Prince. 

Another legend in the business is Garth Brooks! My friend, Kallie and I went on a road trip up to Fargo to get our fix of him and it was every bit of therapy that I needed! 

On the way there and back, we listened to the music we grew up on, the good 90's country, and shared stories that came with every song. Those were their old days! 

Someone I made a latte for said Fargo was a long ways to travel to see a concert, they're crazy. It's not just a concert. Garth Brooks is Garth Brooks. He's there for us. He knows the songs we want to hear and he talks to his audience like no one I've ever seen. He knows that we all pay to see him and he appreciates it. He gets it. Oh, and his wife is perfection. 

The coolest part of the show was when it was just Garth on stage with his guitar and he was reading the signs in the crowd then playing whatever song the sign holder wanted to hear. You tell me who else would do that. He played a couple's first dance song and the guy cried! 

Last but definitely not least, the job update. I had a job lined up in Fargo, I signed my contract, finally

Figured out a living situation and then my mom got sick. 

I did what any good daughter would do and asked for some time so that I could make sure she'll be okay. 

They said no. So it's back to square one. 

That's it for the update, I've sent out a couple more demos in hopes that somebody will take a chance, let's keep our fingers crossed. 

And as usual, thank you for all the love and continuing support! 

The First Two Weeks Suck

I met a new friend over the weekend at a housewarming party for one of my best friends and she mentioned that she loved going to farmers markets. 

As I got to talking to her more, I learned that she was getting ready to change her life! She's starting the whole 30 diet on Monday. 

Talking to her, reminded me a lot of my self, she said she's scared, she doesn't like he way she feels anymore and just doesn't feel good. 

Even if she didn't want it, I offered up some advice and this is what I said:

The first two weeks blow. They suck. There's no sugar coating that. You're not eating all the things you want, you feel tired and you're always hungry, they suck! 

I remember my first week of workouts after going hard core paleo, I was tired, crabby, dizzy and I always had a headache. My body was going through major withdrawals, but Kirk kept promising it would get better and it did. 

I started seeing the weight drop again and I felt, for lack of a better term, cleaner. 

She also mentioned that she had never really had a good support system, you can't do this without someone or a group of people backing you. No way!

I started making friends at the gym because I knew I didn't have support at home so I had to find it elsewhere and some of those people are now people I couldn't live without! 

We talk to eachother when we want to eat a big bowl of ice cream, have a bad day on the scale or when we just need a simple "you're amazing" text message. Everyone needs that, regardless of what you want to succeed at, right? 

I'm so happy I met her and I can't wait to watch her crush it! Just get through the first two weeks, girl. You've got it!