How Getting Fired Changed Me

It's been almost 6 months since I heard the words "today is your last day," and as I have more time to think about it, I've started to think about all the ways this experience has ruined me. How it has completely changed me into a person I don't like at all. Aside from the typical and expected loss of income, being bored, feeling lazy and doubting yourself, I've noticed other things. I use to be this girl who could walk into a room full of strangers and own it. I was perfectly fine on my own and mingling, and if I wasn't comfortable, I faked it til I made it. All of the confidence I've built up over the years is gone. I feel myself becoming the shy girl I was back in Junior high before I stopped caring what people thought of me. Granted, some of the lack of confidence came from being rejected by a guy whom I fell petty hard for, but the rest of it came along when I lost my job. I find myself constantly worried that people are judging my or disappointed in me. I call myself a loser on a regular basis and that's the truth. And I know, I can hear people saying now, "you should be proud of the things you accomplished in other areas of your life, your weight loss." I know. I am proud, the gym is quite possibly the only place I go where I feel I can be myself and not feel this way. So hold that lecture, I got it. This is different. I find myself worried that when i walk away from someone, they immediately talk about me, I constantly feel like I'm bothering my friends if I text them something and unlike my past self, I find social situations a little scary now. I also find myself angry more often or in a bad mood. I use to always wear a smile on my face but now, even fake smiles are hard to come by. Most of that comes when I have to go clock in at my part time/in between jobs job, I cringe whenever anyone asks how I am. It's not their fault, they don't know what happened and I know that also, otherwise I wouldn't have just written that. I use to always be the one looking to try new things or go with the flow, but now I feel like I'm sitting around waiting for the next thing to go wrong. I feel like what can go wrong will go wrong. I adore my mom, but the thing that really bothers me about her is the fact that she never leaves the house unless it's for work, she fears life and adventures. That's not a way to live, I went skydiving last year, that's the way I want to live, but here I sit, worried. One thing I have gained though is my appreciation for the little things. Things like when my dog is out on a walk but he runs back to jump up on me to check in then go back to sniffing the grass, the summer nights sitting around a fire, the sunset in albertville every night, the little things. I was always go go go and paid no attention to how comforting little small things could be until now. So where am I at? I had an interview last week in Sioux Falls, SD and I enjoyed my stay. The staff was amazing and the location was great, now to play the waiting game. I've also got an interview Wednesday, I've never wanted a job more. I'm not a big "send good vibes" type of person, but cross your damn fingers for me that this goes well. There is one thing that hasn't changed and that's my will to keep fighting. I still workout every day and eat healthy and I look for jobs every day and apply when I see one that looks like a good fit for my experience. That radio station may have completely destroyed me, but they can't take that from me, they tried, but I will fucking win that battle. Last thought, I don't want pitty. I don't want people feeling bad for me or telling me that it's going to be okay, I wrote this for people who have been in this situation, so they know they're not alone in how they're feeling. That, and I'm sick of lying and telling people that I'm doing good or just fine. That's not real, but these struggles are.

Why?

I've spent the day watching the news trying to come up with words to describe how I'm feeling for the victims in the latest attacks in Orlando and I could only come up with one. "Why?" One, a up and coming singer who was just signing autographs for her fans. She was killed. Why? And not too long after, a different "man" opened fire on a gay nightclub killing 50 people and injuring even more. Why? Why can't we all accept that people come in every way, shape and form? Why does it matter our race, religion and who we love? None of these things should ever cause so much hated and give anyone reason to kill innocent people. It's because of these senseless people that we live in this great country, yet we have to be afraid. We have to be afraid to send our kids to school, we have to be afraid to be in a crowded and public place now because there are some awful people in this world. Just tonight, I was at the laundromat and a woman sped up, she parked sideways and left her car running. That caused me to get nervous and run out only because I've been watching the news and seeing horrific events unfold. Is that the way they want it? And by saying "they," I'm not calling out race, religion or sex. I'm saying "they" as in anybody who would to such a terrible and unthinkable thing! Do that want is to live in fear? Does it make them feel like they've won? If they too don't lose their lives while doing these things, do they go home with a smile on their faces? Why is it so hard to be kind and respectful? To be a good human being? It's not hard. It's hard to understand hot anybody could be so hateful, so angry. And I'm tired of the excuses we hear. "It's a mental health thing," "he saw two men kissing and it set him off," "he didn't like the professors." Whatever these excuses are, there is never a good reason to harm another. It's never okay. It's not okay that these mothers on the news tonight lost their sons or daughters who just went out to enjoy life and celebrate on a Saturday night. It's not okay that people lost their significant others, their best friends. I had to get it off my chest, I tried talking it out with someone earlier and nothing came out other than "why?"

Just A Thought

I've never thought of myself as an inspiration, in fact, I never know how to respond when someone says that I've inspired them. It brings tears to my eyes, the good kind, and I always only say "thank you," and move about the conversation. 

Tonight, I got a message from someone who use to come see me at my first Caribou store. She knew me when I was just an intern at a radio station, she knew me when I was 356 lbs, haven't seen her in years!

Why am I sharing this? Why not!? 

No, seriously, I don't think we ever know the impact of the nice things we say or do for eachother. 

Last night was another one of the nights where I faked a smile as I went through my shift of slinging lattes. I kept excusing myself from the counter so I could go in the back and give myself a pep talk and remind myself that this is a job and not a career. (Thanks to my friend, Bev, for pointing that out last week.)

My point is, that message was exactly what I wanted to hear. Exactly what I needed to hear. In a sense, it lifted a little weight off my shoulders and I don't know why. 

When you guys say that I've motivated or inspired you, you truly are doing just the same for me. Those sweet words keep me pushing for those extra pounds towards my goal and towards sending in yet another demo to a radio station. Thank you for that!

I think that sometimes, we hold in a compliment from someone because we think they won't care if we like their necklace or if we thought their joke was funny. But the truth is, we all need to hear good things about ourselves, don't we all deserve to? 

Don't hold back the next nice thing you want to say to someone, they may be having a terrible time and you could be exactly what they need. Even if you've never even met that person before.  

Back To Bou.

About three weeks ago, someone reached out to me to come help out at her Caribou store until I found a job back in radio. 

Well, I thought about it, got angry, cried a bit and then said "okay." 

 

This is what it's like to go back to your college job. 

I'm wasting everyone's time being retrained, as it turns out, making a latte is just like riding a bike, you never forget it. 

To the company and the suites, though, it doesn't matter. I was gone for almost a year, and I've spent the last two weeks filling out all the same books, watching people make terrible lattes and mochas and learning how to punch in the numbers all over again. If there's anything that pisses me off, it's wasting time and I've feel like that's what I've been doing. 

I have, however, enjoyed seeing peole who use to come into my old store, I've loved catching up with them! But there's also a negative to catching up with them..

The reason I didn't go back to my original store is because I can't tell the story of how messed up everything is anymore. I know that they want to know and that they care, but I've told it hundreds of times and I just don't have the strength to do it. 

I've had to excuse myself from the counter to go into the bathroom and cry. I cry because I'm so angry that this is how it's panned out for me. Where did I go wrong? This is not how it was suppose to go. 

I have that same meltdown every time I tell the story and after every shift on the drive home. That, my friends, is not healthy. 

I opened the arbor lakes store back in 2006 and worked there full and part time up until I moved to Montana. Never did I think I would be back. But here I am. And I'm not happy. 

And my goodness, I love my friend/manager, but she tells me to smile all the time. Guess what, that leads to tears, too. Never tell an angry person to smile or cheer up. Doesn't end well for anyone! 

And I can hear the voices out there telling me to just be happy it's a job for now. To those people, stop it. I get it.  I don't need the whole lecture saying "be glad they took you back. You made decisions that got you here. Money is money." Blah blah blah. See? Just have myself the lecture. 

Needed to get that off my chest, so thanks for sticking around, if you did! 

Angry notes aside, my friends. I've got an amazing group of friends surrounding me and that is one thing I know and and beyond grateful for. Some of them know when I need to vent, others know when I just want to zone out and forget for a while or if I don't want to talk and just need my space. I love them for that. I don't know what I did to deserve them, but man, I'm so lucky to know each of them. I should thank them every day, because 2015-16 has been quite the ride. Some friendships have been lost, and that's sad, but I'm more happy about the friendships that have gotten stronger through the rough patches, you guys know who you are (Including my dog) and I love you!